Urgent information for you ladies!!!

I received an e-mail recently about everything you need to do if your wallet or purse is stolen. It has some really good information and it reminded me that as adults we all need to be prepared for emergencies. I think most of us are doing o.k., I mean we change our smoke detectors batteries, carry life insurance and have emergency funds. We carry hand sanitizer, teach our children not to ride with strangers and lock our doors at night. With all that said I think there are two areas where as females we are lacking. Ladies, that’s why I am here. Trust me one day you’ll thank me.

First of all go right now and find the photo of yourself that you like the very best. The one where you look great and are in your favorite outfit and all is right with the world. It can’t involve alcohol or ex-boyfriends that ‘s the only rule. Now take out an envelope, put the picture inside and mark it “PHOTO TO BE USED ON THE NEWS IF EVER NEEDED”. Every time I see a missing woman or wanted woman on the news I can tell some man randomly picked that photo out of the junk drawer. She probably placed it there because it was too hideous to put in an album in the first place. Now it is plastered all over the news and in print and everyone thinks that is what she looked like. One poor lady had her Disney vacation picture flashed. Y’all know that the mom always looks like a haggard pack mule in those photos. I have pictures of me that are so bad that I truly believe the people in the search parties would just give up and go for coffee. I think it is a scientific fact that they look harder for cute people. You must complete this at once and put it in a safe spot or better yet give it to your best friend. She’ll know what to do.

While you have your best friend there picking up your photo it is time to complete your second task. Sit down with her , pour a cup of coffee and make a solemn promise to each other that if you are ever incapacitated for any length of time you will pluck each others chin hairs. C’mon you know we get them. I don’t know about you but mine go from non-existent to longer than my bangs in about two days time. After the promise has been secured you can discuss trivial things like keeping you toenails painted and what size they should let you wither away to before they pull the plug. But the chin hair plucking is a deal breaker. If she won’t agree to carry out the job, that take your emergency photo back and keep looking. Anyone that won’t pluck your chin hairs in a crisis can’t be trusted. Any woman over forty that says she doesn’t have any is just lying. Either way she not worthy of the position of emergency photo trustee.

Frankly I don’t care if the smoke detector is beeping or Michael is licking the handrail at the movies, when Ruth Spencer says “Missing Commerce Township woman , Kim Eller…” I want to look good!!!




November 17, 2007 at 3:54 pm

I promise I have you covered in all those areas. I can’t however promise to always apply “whore red” to your nails, you might have to settle for a more subdued color every now and then. Just clarify for me, is your request a solid size 6 or 8?!?!?!

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