I have diagnosed myself with ADHD: Attention Deficit Housecleaning Disorder. I have suffered from this affliction for years and it is beginning to take its toll.
Symptoms of this disease include but are not limited to cleaning the junk drawer when you have no clean underwear, organizing your jewelry when you should really be changing your sheets and leaving clothes wrinkling in the dryer while you organize your spices.
This disease is debilitating. It causes feelings of worthlessness and despair. You begin shunning your friends because you realize that the Christmas decorations are still piled on your dining room table but your magazines are alphabetized.
The ADHD episodes go something like this. You walk into your kitchen to a sink full of dirty dishes and cluttered counters. Before you can empty the sink you must unload the dishwasher. As you are unloading the dishwasher you notice that the big and the little spoons are mixed together. You can’t ignore that right? So you decide just to separate the spoons. As you are separating the spoons you notice that the bottom of the cutlery organizer is dirty. How this happens I don’t know since you only put clean cutlery in it but nonetheless you begin to take out all the silverware and wipe out the organizer.
While emptying the drawer you realize you have several of those coffee cups lids stored in there. They should be stored with the travel coffee mugs because that way you will have them together when you need them. You imagine you will give your guests a warm cup of java for their drive home after the dinner party you are going to have if you ever get your house clean.
After the travel mugs are organized your realize that several of the glasses in the dishwasher belong to the set in the basement. You take the glasses and sit them at the top of the basement stairs so that your teenage son can walk past them for a few weeks.
At this point you are back to the silverware drawer. Upon inspection it becomes clear that someone has taken some of the good silver and placed it in this drawer. Everyone in this house knows that you have to put the good silver back in the little silver pouch in the dining room.
After the family silver is safely stored in the velvet lined box you make your way back to the silverware drawer. Why on earth are the little spreaders shaped like Christmas trees still in there? Was the entire Christmas clean up crew (that would be me) drunk on Christmas Day?
You place them beside the glasses on the stairs to the basement when your son eventually takes the glasses and put in the Christmas entertaining tote.
As you are sorting the spreaders the one with the daisies comes apart. It will just take a second to hot glue it so you head to the craft drawer for the hot glue gun.
Hours later the silverware drawer and the craft drawer are organized. You feel such a sense of accomplishment until you look over and see the dishwasher is still half full and the sink is still full of dishes.
After all this organizing you go to bed disgusted with yourself for not being able to complete one simple task like loading the dishwasher.
When you think things can ‘t get worse you open the bathroom drawer to get your toothbrush and give another half hour of your life to this insidious disease. Have you ever tried to re-roll floss? By bedtime I become very sad that I drank the last of the Tito’s at Christmas.
There is no end to the madness! Those afflicted with this disease just wander around separating their straws by color while their children are forced to turn their underwear inside out and Febreeze their ball uniforms.
So the next time you are at my house and the sink is full of dishes, please take a moment to revel at my immaculate craft drawer. Don’t mention the dishes unless you are holding a gigantic bottle of Tito’s vodka.