Let the countdown begin! In 23 days I will turn 50! I am facing it with the same attitude I had when I thought there was a squirrel in the attic. I am going to turn on some music and pretend it isn’t happening.
Just kidding! I’m going to celebrate my birthday every day until March 25th and party like it’s 1999. I’m partying now like it’s 1999 because when it actually was 1999 I was young and skinny and didn’t know how good I had it so I wasted that year.
In honor of my impending membership into AARP thought I would offer up some advice for those of you that are still frolicking in your forties.
- Put a pair of tweezers in your car. Chin and lip hair love to shine in the bright light of day. You can spend 20 minutes looking in the bathroom mirror only to have a three-inch long hair appear the moment you pull out of the driveway. They are very tricky like that. It is a terrible thing to be getting a mustache at the same time as your teenage son. He will be much more excited about his than you are about yours.
- Forget tanning. You are in crisis mode where skin care is concerned. Welcome to big hats, cover-ups and sunscreen. Prepare to be seduced by celebrities over 40 that have a skin care line. All your extra money will go toward finding the perfect combination of products that will turn back the hands of time. The infomercials will convince you that a youthful glow is priceless. Turns out a youthful glow will cost you about $300.00 a month. Your eyelids will start moving with the eye shadow brush and tiny little brown “age” spots will appear out of nowhere. Your only hope is one day they all join together and you will finally have a tan.
- The reason that you will have knowledge of all the skin care lines is that you will begin to suffer from insomnia. Infomercials love to target us late at night when we are exhausted and without make-up. Just as your kids start to sleep in you will be unable to sleep at all. It is one of nature’s cruelest tricks. You will lie awake all night thinking about your chin hair and wrinkles, whether or not your kids will get into college, if global warming is real and if you will ever find the perfect purse.
- You will need to become very aware of where you are in a store and how far it is to the nearest restroom. Forget the fire exit. The bathroom knowledge will become much more important.
- Belly fat will increase every time you look at food. You are just one glance at a cupcake away from bariatric surgery. The Liz Lange maternity wear at Target will start to look appealing because of the wonderful waistbands.
- In an attempt to join your bulging stomach so it won’t be lonely, your breasts will begin to sag south. You can attempt to separate them with a belt but the belt won’t get much exposure.
- Reading glasses. You will need them. You will need to buy several pair of them. They will NEVER be where you are. They are like terrorists. They are always moving and difficult to capture. It is best to buy in bulk at the Dollar Store. I believe eyesight is the real reason you shouldn’t give birth after 40. If I had to read a infant Tylenol bottle in the middle of the night my baby would be in big trouble and most likely over medicated.
- Forget about it. That is exactly what you will do. You will forget everything from the names of your children at any given moment to the identity of people that are contacts in your cellphone. I have no idea who several of people listed in my contacts are or why I saved their number. I am too embarrassed to call them and say, “Excuse my peri- menopausal memory loss but who the heck are you?” Now when I put someone in my contacts I have to put a description like “ugly lady on the committee” or “he’s your doctor you idiot”. This memory loss is one of the main reasons you can’t find your reading glasses.
So live it up ladies! Life in middle age, as I know it. Go forth and pee, pluck and party on!!