I have a Chrysler van that has a great feature. It has a button that you can push that tells you how many miles you have until your tank is empty. Isn’t that great? I love it even more now that I have found that it has multiple usages.

First, it can be used to make your husband’s hair turn gray. I believe that when it registers zero that you really have at least twenty miles left before you actually run out of gas. I know lots of engineers and they are all way to anal not to build in a little cushion to the system. I have tested this theory and have found it to be true. My husband on the other hand does not subscribe to my way of thinking. When he gets into my van on Sunday night to make his weekly run to fill it up he becomes very “concerned” about the zero. This is how I use “miles to empty” to make my husband’s hair turn just a shade lighter.

The second way I use it is to threaten and warn my children. When they were smaller I used to say “I’m about ready to leave my body” to signal to them that I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! I don’t lose my temper very often but every now and then I reach my breaking point. Now that I have miles to empty I just threaten “I am going buy a diet coke as big as my left leg, grab my i-pod , and start driving until I am out of miles to empty!!!!!!” I imagine them both standing there hungry and in dirty clothes wondering how they will ever make it without dear old mom. I admit that the vision of these pitiful children brings a moment or two of joy to my heart as I revel in their sadness Oh, they’ll be sorry they didn’t (insert task here), when good ole mom is jamming to Rascal Flatts and sipping on her diet coke driving far away from the drudgery of her mundane life. That was my belief however until I used it on Michael the other day and he pushed the button and it said “13 miles to empty”. He smiled and said ” you won’t even make it to Twelve Oaks”. I guess I can only make those threats at the beginning of the week.