Massage Tension

It didn’t say anything in the brochure but I am assuming it is frowned upon when you fart during a massage.

At least that was the assumption I was going on last night as I mastered the technique of clenching the lower portion of my body while trying to get my $60 worth of relaxation out of the upper half of my body.

I blame those darn people that keep encouraging me to eat healthy.  All I hear from my “healthy” friends is that I  should eat more salad, fruit and vegetables.  If it won’t t spoil then it isn’t healthy for me.  Personally I don’t think my Oreos should be persecuted for their longevity but whatever.

Even the girls at work that could have been counted on a few months ago for a Wendy’s run are bringing salads for lunch.  The days of a cheeseburger and fries for lunch are over.

The thing these “healthy” people don’t tell you is that when you fill your body with all this good food you begin to produce gases.  Those gases are expelled from your body.  If you are over forty they apparently don’t give you much warning.

So last night as I begin to undress and prepare for my massage my lunch and dinner salads began to perform their magic and make my life miserable.

Of course the massage therapist wanted me to start the session face down which meant there would be no line of defense between her and my healthy life style side effects except a thin sheet.  As she began to massage my aching shoulders I began the balance of relaxing the upper body muscles and tightening the lower body muscles.

After 60 minutes of this I was exhausted but no “exhaust” had slipped out.  I had made it!  I thanked Kelly (who was amazing) and she left while I dressed and relaxed if you know what I mean.  Let’s just say I am sure LaVida is thankful I was the last appointment of the night.

I went home and promptly had four Oreos.  Apparently preservatives in food help preserve your dignity as well as their shelf life.

Long live the Oreo!!


Hello! I'm a midlife maniac managing my mother, his mother, our kids, and one diva dog! During the day I am a Certified Alzheimer's Disease and Dementia Care Trainer, Certified Dementia Practioner, and a Certified Montessori Dementia Care Professional. In my spare time, I love to make funny TikTok videos (Kim Reynolds Media) and write and perform.


April 7, 2013 at 10:04 pm

LOL. The older I get the fewer vegetables, especially raw, that my body will tolerate. I have weight watcher friends that I can hardly stand to be around, what with all their undisgeted fiber escaping.

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