Recently I spent a week in Tennessee on our family farm with my grandmother. When I tell you that the technology capabilities there are not up to speed with the rest of the world I am being kind.

First of all, she has basic cable which meant on Sunday night I missed Entourage. Since I have DVR at home I knew I could handle this little setback. I can get a cell phone signal if I go out to the sun room so I could at least check my messages and keep in contact with phone calls.

The lack of Internet on the other hand almost pushed me over the edge. After a week of no face book or email I was starting to develop a twitch in my eye and was beginning to wonder if the Internet had been a dream like the time they shot Bobby on Dallas.

After a few days we went out to dinner in the small town of Paris, Tennessee. It was a buffet restaurant named Higgs and much to my surprise they advertised on their sign “FYI We now have Wi–Fi!”

I was beyond thrilled. I quickly ate my deep fried calorie laden meal and rushed out to the car where my lonely little laptop was waiting for me. I hugged it close knowing that in just a few short moments it would be connecting me to the outside world. Hallelujah!!!

My grandmother, aunt and cousin were still enjoying their banana pudding when I sat down with my computer. I attempted to log on and needed the restaurants password. With great anticipation I called the waitress over and asked for the Wi–Fi login information.

“I have no idea. I reckon we haven’t ever had anybody with a laptop in here before. I will have to call the owner.” she said.

She came back and told me the owner said she couldn’t give out her password and I would have to use my own. I tried to explain to the waitress that I wasn’t trying to access the owners personal information but just trying to get an Internet connection.

During this time my dinner companions kept moving the tea glasses and condiments out of the way as they were sure the tea was blocking my signal. I didn’t even try to explain that the tea glasses weren’t the problem.

Just when I was about to give up one of the older waitresses yelled “HOLD ON!” and she ran outside to look at the board. Running back in with a breathless enthusiasm she announced “It says FYI right before Wi–Fi , is that the password?”

Resisting the urge to bang my head against the table I calmly explained to her that FYI We now have Wi–Fi meant for your information we now have Wi–Fi. But I assure you that you most certainly do not.

It was then I realized that my attempt to contact the outside world was futile and I would be in this Southern no signal abyss for the next few days,

As we walked out to the car my cousin said “I still think the tea was the problem” and I agreed. It should have been a Long Island iced tea.