A long, long time ago I envisioned what my life would be like when I got really old. You know, like 50.  I could see myself sitting on the porch, sipping iced tea and clutching my pearls while my children gathered around to hang on to every syllable of wisdom I imparted on them.

I would be a sassy old woman dressed impeccable in Alfred Dunner’s latest collection with my hair freshly coiffed from the beauty shop.  The wisdom I would dispense would be cherished and passed on for generations, just like the good silver.

Well, I’m 50 and my nest is empty, I don’t have a porch or pearls and my hair is a hot mess. Not one person I gave birth to is hanging around waiting for me to speak.

Those of you with young children please take note. When your kids are young adults the only time they seem to remember you are alive is when their car breaks down, their rent is due or their checking account is overdrawn. Otherwise, you could be missing for weeks and they wouldn’t notice. You could be living in the same house and unless a foul order that can’t be covered up by a candle scent is coming from your bedroom they could care less.

Let that debit card get declined and they are looking for you like you are buried with Jimmy Hoffa.

Suddenly your whereabouts will be of the utmost importance to them.  They will call in the police and the National Guard if Siri can find their number.

They will provide valuable information when the officers ask, “When was the last time you spoke with your mother?”

“I talked to her three weeks ago when my car broke down. Then today when I text to tell her I was overdrawn she didn’t answer my text”

The unanswered text will be of major concern to your child because normally you are at their beck and call. They envision you sitting home, hands perched and ready to respond as soon as their text comes in.

“It’s not like her to like go anywhere. She’s, like, usually just hanging around the house.”

Suddenly you will find yourself standing in your robe at the front door greeting a nice officer that has come to do a well check on an old lady. You won’t even have on your pearls.

Total time missing was 15 minutes while you were in the shower. Instead of being angry you will smile as you close the door. Somehow your twisted empty nester mind will see this as a sign. They care. They really do care.