Fitness Training for the Exercise Impaired

Somewhere at the Total Sports Complex there is a personal trainer named Nick.  I know this because he and I are supposed to meet tomorrow to begin my 10-week quest toward a new fit and fabulous Kim.

The sad thing is that he is just running along living his life in his workout gear with no idea of the challenge that lies ahead for him.

Tomorrow morning he will wake up and have some kind of muscle building shake and feel all energized and enthusiastic.  He will spend his day training like minded people who actually enjoy exercise.  Together they will squat and lunge and he will feel he is making a real difference in their lives. When five o’clock rolls around he will begin to doubt his career choice.

To say I am not a fan of exercise would be an understatement.  I don’t know if it’s the sweating or monotony but it just isn’t as much fun as shopping.

Why people run just to end up back at home sweaty and exhausted has always puzzled me.  Don’t get me wrong I will run toward a clearance rack or away from a mouse but beyond that I am kind of a stationary person. Watching other people’s drama television or reading a magazine is much more my type of entertainment.

The only exercise I get is lifting a large McDonald’s diet coke from the cup holder to my mouth a couple of hundred times a day.  I must admit sometimes that even feels exhausting. I think I got tennis elbow from it in 2012.

Fitness requires a Lycra wardrobe and time management skills neither of which I possess.  I am not a morning person so working out before work is not a realistic goal for me.  After work I don’t want to go home and change just to get back out.  I could pack to go to the gym but now we are back to my lack of time management skills.

Up until I hit my mid forties I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight.  Those days are over.  It’s like all of a sudden my body said, “Okay lady that’s enough Doritos!  Get off your a** and move.”  I have found that my after 40 body is more of an adversary than a friend.

So, I am going to spend the next 10 weeks seeing how the other half lives.  You know those people that think Target heart rate is something other than how excited you get when the Target ad comes out.

I am going to see if this runners high is for real and if it feels better than a sale at Macy’s. Is it true people who exercise have more energy? If so where did they get the energy to start exercising in the first place?

Should I buy a water bottle, energy bars and a selection of neon colored sports bras? What jewelry should I wear?  I will state for the record that I refuse to participate in any activity that doesn’t involve at least earrings and a bracelet.

My forty something body has betrayed me but I shall go forth, accessorized for exercise and conquer the battle of the bulge even if it kills me……or Nick!