There comes a time in every woman’s life when the unexpected sneeze can lead to “bladder leak”.  Last week a friend sent me a text that read:  “Sorry I can’t make it to lunch.  I sneezed and peed my pants. ” There were no capitol letters or exclamation points.  It was just a simple statement conveyed from one middle aged woman to another.  No shock and awe on my end either.  Just a moment of compassion and I went about my day.

Middle age arrives with excess facial hair, sleepless nights and memory loss as the triple threat.  You would think that those three things coupled with teenagers and aging parents would be enough.  But no!  Add to the mix the fact that your bladder has become about as reliable as Charlie Sheen and you have got a full blown case of body betrayal.

The first time it happens you are shocked and assume that it is a one time occurrence.  With a quick clench of the bladder you avoid disaster and enter a phase of denial. You start to bargain with God that you will pluck chin hairs until the end of time if tinkling without warning doesn’t become a trend.

The second time it happens you resign yourself to being a permanent member of the pantyliner party and vow to do 1,000 Kegel exercises every day.   Somewhere in the back of your mind you remember making fun of June Allyson and those Depends commercials when you were young and had a kick ass bladder.  Who would think that something that could hold 10 beers in college would collapse in the face of a little sneeze? Oh, how the mighty have fallen from keg parties to Kegels and leg crossing.

The dreaded head cold puts an end to your denial.  Sneezes and coughs are rampant and without warning and you have to face the fact that a sudden sneeze can cause an “incontinent episode”.  This is the grown up term for peeing your pants.  Doesn’t make it any better but it sounds classier than I peed down both legs, doesn’t it?

I propose that they sell Poise pads and Puff tissue in the same package.  If you are middle aged and sneezing then you will need both so why not just market them together?  It would also be helpful to put the chocolate and the Tampons together.  Make it easy on us, would you?  While you are at it put the display right beside the bathroom.  We need all the help we can get.