I spent Saturday evening as a chaperon for the Central High School Homecoming dance. I t was fun to see the kids all dressed up and trying to be sophisticated but it left me with a lingering question. So I took a little walk down memory lane and dug out my old high school yearbook for research. I wanted to know if there was a much cleavage in my high school as there was at my daughter Ashley’s. I surmised that there was not as much cleavage and those few who were “blessed” when to great lengths to hide them. Let me tell you those days are gone. Girls, if your breasts have their own zip code you should never wear a strapless dress. Your breasts are like deadbeat relatives…they need a lot of support . This was just one of the observations I made during my time at the dance. Here are the others:

1. Gyrating + strapless dresses = trouble
2. There is not enough AXE body spray in the state of Michigan to cover up the sweat of 300 adolescent boys.

3. No girl should spend over 20 dollars on her shoes because every girl I
saw was barefooted.

4. A necktie tied around your forehead does not make you more attractive to the opposite sex. Also, if you borrowed the tie from you dad you should really advise him to have it dry cleaned. Trust me it won’t occur to him that you tied it around your head as a sweatband during the course of the evening.

5. A baseball cap in NEVER considered in any way a part of semi-formal attire. I don’t care what your “homies” tell you.

6. Several of you girls must live very close to the school. I know this because you would have had to walk to the dance because there is no way you could have sat down in those dresses. Hint: That is why they have chairs in the dressing rooms. Sit in them, and if you can see your panties so can everyone else. They don’t become magically invisible the night of the party.

7. Why is it when you are walking around with a group of ten people do you always look like you are looking for someone else? Is an even number bad? Do you feel like you need at least one more person? Talk to your friends and stop looking for whatever it is you are looking for. You look like tourists.

8. You have to really love someone to walk around arm in arm with your face level with their sweaty armpit. Please see observation number 2.

9. If you drink and throw up at the dance it that really the good time you were looking for? I think not. I can tell you that your mother is not going to be happy if the dry cleaner can’t get the throw up out of your only suit. She will be even unhappier if you hide it in your closet and bring in out when Aunt Ethel dies. You see this is what in the adult world we call a no win situation. And NO she will not believe you had the twenty minute stomach flu.

But the most important tip of the night is:

Dress: $100.00
Dinner: $40.00
ticket to dance: $25.00

Having on the right underwear for your outfit: Priceless