Rising and shining have never been my strong suit.  On the occasion that I do have to rise early, I don’t shine until about 10 a.m.  That is the earliest I can shine. No amount of caffeine will make me shine earlier.  Unfortunately as an adult most people are expected to rise AND shine well before my shine kicks in.

I remember in college being very self aware of my early shining defect.  Second semester freshman year some old fart (that had probably been up since 3 a.m.) insisted that I sign up for an 8 a.m. bowling class.

“I’m sorry but there is no way I can take bowling at 8 a.m.”

Practical Old Fart:  “Well you need a P.E. credit and that is the only class left.”

“Again, I am sorry but not only do I  not want to but I really am incapable of getting up and making it across campus and actually bowling at that hour.”

Optimist Old Fart:  “Well, why don’t we just sign you up and I am sure you’ll be able to make it”.  She either had a greater faith in me than I deserved or she just wanted to keep the line moving.  I am betting on the latter.

“Well”, I said” you can sign me up for an 8 a.m. bowling class but you can’t make me go.”

Disgusted Old Fart: “Next in line”.

I never attended the class.  I gave it the old “college try” for a few weeks.  I set the alarm and even warned my room mates that I would be getting up early to go to class. I made a very big deal about being in before midnight and laying out my clothes, the whole nine yards. I  had good intentions I really did. However the only time I was able to get up early was to head over to the registrar’s office the last day that you could drop the class.

I am so in tune with my rise and shine deficit that maybe I should form a” Morning Phobic Folks” support group.   We could meet in the dark of night and practice saying scary phrases like “set your alarm” and “the early bird gets the worm”.  We could daydream about what it would be like to pull up at McDonalds and order a biscuit and not hear the screechy voice saying “I’m sorry but we are no longer serving breakfast”.  Our t-shirts could say The Night Owl Eats The Early Bird!

These would be my people and  I would finally feel like I belonged instead of being berated by all those “Don’t you feel like you wasted your day” people.  Smug rise at sun up over achievers.  Who wants to live in a world where you miss the opportunity at three in the morning to buy a set of knives that will cut through a can?  They don’t know what they are missing.