I want to be able to pull into the garage, unload my purchases and close the garage door.  Beyond that I really don’t care much about that whole outside of the house maintenance.  

My problem is that I am now divorced and responsible for the house, inside and out.  Now anything I can get hired done, I do.  For example, I have someone that does snow removal.  I readily gave up the snow blower in the divorce because there was no way I was going to get up at the crack of dawn and push that thing.  I would have ended up with one big pile down the middle of my driveway because I never have really understood snow blowing. I will admit I never really gave it a whole lot of thought.

The lawn mower was not a bargaining chip during the divorce because the only thing I am more opposed to than freezing is sweating.  I didn’t figure there was any way I could cut grass without sweating off my spray tan so I have a very attractive young man that mows for me once a week.  I would like to say I sit outside and admire him while he works but Brad Pitt would have to be mowing for me to sit out in the heat.

The only fatal flaw in my plan to hire out all things involving the outdoors is that I didn’t realize to get your weeding and shrubs maintained you have to do it early in the season.  Apparently the landscaping companies are way too busy this time of year to be bothered with my piddly weeding.

After several phone calls I finally gave up and did some of the work myself.  It was not pretty. I can now name an activity that I don’t have jewelry to go with.  I guess I need to find little shovel earrings or something. 

After twenty minutes I found myself sweating in places I didn’t even know existed until today.  I could feel my $30 spray tan running down my body and my hair going flat. I had to abandon my sparkly flip flops for tennis shoes but by this time heat was getting to me so fashion was becoming less important. See how dangerous yard work is?  I was becoming delirious.

As I was trimming my shrubs it became very clear to me why I never attempted to cut my own bangs. I must admit I did love the trimmer.  I felt very powerful with a power tool in my hand. It made me think “Wow I would really like to have a chainsaw!”  That was before I chewed through two brand new extension cords because apparently they are not trimmer proof.  They really should make those cut proof and in pink, just a suggestion. (FYI they make a really cool spark when you cut into them.)  On second thought, maybe the chainsaw isn’t such a great idea for me.

The sad thing is that I barely made a dent.  All these muscles spasms and aches and pains and there is still work left to be done.  I have a bottle of 300 Alieve tablets and I fear that will not be enough to get me through the summer.

I think it might be more enjoyable with a watermelon martini.  Using only one hand might slow down the process but after a couple of drinks I might not care how long it takes.  I am willing to give it a try.