Dear Teenagers:

Being a parent is complicated.  You won’t fully understand the level of insanity that comes with it until you have your own kids but I thought I would give you a little preview.

First of all we are very sorry that we can’t let you roam the streets until all hours of the night.  The main reason is that we are tired from working all day to support you and we just want to go to sleep.  We can’t go to sleep until your are home, and that is how curfews were invented. Also the State of Michigan requires us to keep up with you until you turn eighteen.  So next time roll your eyes at Governor Snyder not me.

We like your friends, we really do, but we also know  because we remember being your age that a teens IQ drops ten points for every other teen you add to a group.  This is especially true of teenage boys.  You will do things as a group that you would never do alone.  That is why we check on you at parties and double check you plans and alibis.  We don’t like calling other parents to find out if you are really where you say you are.

Grades are important.  If you want to get into college that need to know you are not an idiot. They won’t take your word for it. They are going to need some proof.  If you chose not to study and do your homework don’t come whining to us when all your friends are going off to school together and you aren’t because your grades sucked.

We are not required to purchase you a car when you turn sixteen.  Be happy if we do.  When it comes to being handed a car as gift. ” you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.”  Any complaints we receive will likely result in a very long and boring lecture about our first car and how much harder we had it.  Trust me just take the keys and keep quiet.

We will never stop preaching to you about sex and drugs.  One because we love you and want you to make good choices.  Two because you not making good choices is very likely to cost us a large sum of money and we would like to retire one day.  Bailing you out of jail is not our idea of a smart way to spend our hard earned money. Plus no kid I know has every gotten arrested during regular business hours.  Calls from the police are almost always after midnight and again we are back to the “we are tired” speech.

Finally saying you are sorry is not a magic fix.  It doesn’t un-wreck the car, make the stain disappear from our new carpet or pay the outrageous cell phone bill from your excessive texting.  It doesn’t erase points off your license or decrease our car insurance. It will most definitely not make someone not pregnant. Don’t be sorry , be good, then you won’t have to be sorry.