This week I have to call the cable company.  I would rather have a root canal.

First I know I am going to get that annoyingly friendly sounding automated man.  He sounds very cheerful which surprises me because I am quite certain I am not the only one that loses her mind when she talks to him. He makes you believe in the beginning that you might actually be able to perform this transaction without having a coronary.  His soothing voice lulls you into thinking this time you will speak calmly and clearly and the two of you will end on a happy note.

I always start out with a focused and determined attitude and end up screaming “CABLE SERVICE” into the speaker of my phone while the veins on the side of my neck bulge out and I break out in a cold sweat.  No matter what I say or how loudly I say it I just can’t make automated man understand me.  The only thing I can figure out is that automated man must be completely deaf.

He may be deaf but he is no quitter.  I know this because no matter how hard I  try to get to a “live” operator, he keeps saying “Let’s try again”.  I only know one way to say “CABLE SERVICE” but he’s not giving up.  Apparently, the automated system won’t transfer you until they hear pure hysteria in your voice. I envision all the operators standing around chanting “Push her till she cracks! Push her till she cracks!”

They could save a great deal of time if one of the many choices would be transfer me to the Suicide Hotline.  I would push that button just to hear a live voice and get a little sympathy for the line scrolling through my new television set.

I miss the days when you called a company and a live person answered the phone and asked how they could help you.  I miss the guarantee that the person on the end of the line would be English speaking and located within the United States. I long for the days when you got an actual appointment time and not a “window” that precludes you from doing anything else your scheduled day.

So if I end up “the crazy lady” being shown on a clip on MSNBC you will know that automated man finally got the best of me and I snapped. I just hope they use a good picture of me when they flash it across the screen.