Home Movie Flashbacks

Former presidents get their own museums, stars have their movies and athletes have their game footage. What do moms have? We have the Christmas videos.

My kids and I watched old home movies over the holidays.  It’s a favorite past time of ours because we all love to look back and make fun of each other.  Sad, but true. Nothing makes us happier than ridiculing each other during a home movie marathon.

This year in particular I began to focus on the dialogue.  In the early years the audio wasn’t the finest quality but as time went by the voices got crisper and clearer.  This particular technological advancement was not to my advantage.

One thing I noticed is that after being awakened at an ungodly hour on Christmas morning I tend to be a tad bit sarcastic(more than my normal every day sarcastic)  until I have had my second diet coke.  Unfortunately for my family the second diet coke occurs about midway through the present opening process which gives me plenty of time to make remarks that are forever preserved on video.  For example….

CHRISTMAS 2007

Michael: A Sonicare toothbrush in my stocking? (making an ungrateful face)

Me: Well, if you don’t want it I am sure there are homeless children that would love to have it!

Michael: If they are homeless how are they going to charge it?

Me: Well maybe I’ll just give them your room too and you can go live in their box!!

CHRISTMAS 1999

ME: If Daddy doesn’t get in front of the video camera and open his presents next year for Christmas he’s getting a D-I-V-O-R-C-E (Apparently I didn’t take into account that one day my children would learn to spell. Tragic mistake of a non-caffeinated person.)

CHRISTMAS 2003

Ashley was in fifth grade and for some odd reason had begun to do this baby talk thing.  After several warning looks I turned to her and said “Stop talking like that.  People are going to watch this and think you’re weird.”

These are just a few example of my charming quips and quotes that are preserved on Sony film.  In most of the movies I look like I have been hit by a truck because I was up all night “making the magic” and went to bed with my makeup on.  I have had some really weird pajamas over the years and one year I even let Michael come downstairs to be videoed on Christmas morning in his underwear and a sweatshirt.  (Shocker: I did not win Mother of the Year that year.)

My only hope is that my children watch these videos after they have children of their own.  Only then will they realize that my sarcasm was brought about by lack of sleep and caffeine, my outfits were the result of a middle aged woman’s need for comfort and when you’re awakened by excited children at 6:00 a.m. on Christmas morning after two hours of sleep, makeup is the least of your worries.

Holiday lesson learned….Momma handles Christmas morning better when she is two “drinks” in.

 

 

 

 

T.S.A. Help Me Understand

Can someone please explain to me why it is now o.k. to carry a knife on to an airplane but you practically get arrested when you try to bring four ounces of conditioner in your carry on ? What do they think I am going to do over condition the pilot’s hair until it falls in his eyes and then I take over the plane?
I am beyond perplexed.  The T.S.A. came out with new guidelines (right before I am ready to travel I might add) that say you can carry large baseball bats, hockey sticks and knives with a 2.36 inch blade on airplanes.  But don’t get hysterical with fear people, the hand lotion and Dove body wash is still off limits. [Continue Reading]

Fitness Training for the Exercise Impaired

Somewhere at the Total Sports Complex there is a personal trainer named Nick.  I know this because he and I are supposed to meet tomorrow to begin my 10-week quest toward a new fit and fabulous Kim.

The sad thing is that he is just running along living his life in his workout gear with no idea of the challenge that lies ahead for him.

Tomorrow morning he will wake up and have some kind of muscle building shake and feel all energized and enthusiastic.  He will spend his day training like minded people who actually enjoy exercise.  Together they will squat and lunge and he will feel he is making a real difference in their lives. When five o’clock rolls around he will begin to doubt his career choice.

To say I am not a fan of exercise would be an understatement.  I don’t know if it’s the sweating or monotony but it just isn’t as much fun as shopping.

Why people run just to end up back at home sweaty and exhausted has always puzzled me.  Don’t get me wrong I will run toward a clearance rack or away from a mouse but beyond that I am kind of a stationary person. Watching other people’s drama television or reading a magazine is much more my type of entertainment.

The only exercise I get is lifting a large McDonald’s diet coke from the cup holder to my mouth a couple of hundred times a day.  I must admit sometimes that even feels exhausting. I think I got tennis elbow from it in 2012.

Fitness requires a Lycra wardrobe and time management skills neither of which I possess.  I am not a morning person so working out before work is not a realistic goal for me.  After work I don’t want to go home and change just to get back out.  I could pack to go to the gym but now we are back to my lack of time management skills.

Up until I hit my mid forties I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight.  Those days are over.  It’s like all of a sudden my body said, “Okay lady that’s enough Doritos!  Get off your a** and move.”  I have found that my after 40 body is more of an adversary than a friend.

So, I am going to spend the next 10 weeks seeing how the other half lives.  You know those people that think Target heart rate is something other than how excited you get when the Target ad comes out.

I am going to see if this runners high is for real and if it feels better than a sale at Macy’s. Is it true people who exercise have more energy? If so where did they get the energy to start exercising in the first place?

Should I buy a water bottle, energy bars and a selection of neon colored sports bras? What jewelry should I wear?  I will state for the record that I refuse to participate in any activity that doesn’t involve at least earrings and a bracelet.

My forty something body has betrayed me but I shall go forth, accessorized for exercise and conquer the battle of the bulge even if it kills me……or Nick!