Massage Tension

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It didn’t say anything in the brochure but I am assuming it is frowned upon when you fart during a massage.

At least that was the assumption I was going on last night as I mastered the technique of clenching the lower portion of my body while trying to get my $60 worth of relaxation out of the upper half of my body.

Forty Eight And Fabulous

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I have come a long way since this photo was taken.  My thighs are still chubby and my hair is still a hot mess but other than that I have learned a lot.

On this my 48th birthday I have taken a few moments away from being fabulous to reflect on things I plan to do differently in the next 48.

I plan on laughing a whole lot more.  Sometimes it will be with you and sometimes it will be at you but I am done taking life seriously.

If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Your Mother

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icons_6Please pass me a Xanax and a glass of wine.

My mother is visiting and I have one nerve left.  Apparently I have just been lounging around thinking I was a productive effective parent and person when that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Before she got here I had no idea that my dog was over weight and my kids were under fed.  I didn’t know my house was cold or that my whites weren’t quite white enough.

T.S.A. Help Me Understand

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Can someone please explain to me why it is now o.k. to carry a knife on to an airplane but you practically get arrested when you try to bring four ounces of conditioner in your carry on ? What do they think I am going to do over condition the pilot’s hair until it falls in his eyes and then I take over the plane?
I am beyond perplexed.  The T.S.A. came out with new guidelines (right before I am ready to travel I might add) that say you can carry large baseball bats, hockey sticks and knives with a 2.36 inch blade on airplanes.  But don’t get hysterical with fear people, the hand lotion and Dove body wash is still off limits.

Southern Charm

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Recently my friend Jennifer took a car trip to Disney with her three children under the age of ten.  In my defense I tried to warn her against it, medicate her and prepare her for the worst.  I bought her a new cooler that I suggested be stocked with wine cleverly disguised as fruit juice.  It wouldn’t matter if she drank it or served it to her children, either way the car trip would be more tolerable.

When it was apparent she wasn’t going to drink or make her kids a Benadryl cocktail I did the only other thing I could.  I assured her that if in the event she should find herself needing to make a premature exit from the minivan I would pick her up off the side of the road.

Poise Pads and Puffs

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There comes a time in every woman’s life when the unexpected sneeze can lead to “bladder leak”.  Last week a friend sent me a text that read:  “Sorry I can’t make it to lunch.  I sneezed and peed my pants. ” There were no capitol letters or exclamation points.  It was just a simple statement conveyed from one middle aged woman to another.  No shock and awe on my end either.  Just a moment of compassion and I went about my day.

Middle age arrives with excess facial hair, sleepless nights and memory loss as the triple threat.  You would think that those three things coupled with teenagers and aging parents would be enough.  But no!  Add to the mix the fact that your bladder has become about as reliable as Charlie Sheen and you have got a full blown case of body betrayal.

Good Moms Are Good Maters

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Every time I think I have it all together and I am rocking this mom stuff I get reminded by my teenager of how off the mark I am.

Apparently my ability to incorrectly mate socks is a sign that I am not getting this whole mom thing down.

I made the grievous error of mating two Nike Elite socks as a large and an extra large. You can stop reading for a moment if you need to say a silent prayer for me.  How could I have been so blind? That must be at least a ten on the neglect meter.  There is probably a direct hotline to Child Protective Services just for Nike Elite mishaps like these. I mean really after I paid 16.00 a pair for them the least I could do is show them the respect of getting them mated correctly.

Sledding Isn’t For Sisses

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For my entire life I thought of sledding as one of those magical things that happens on snow days.  Snugly snow suits, friends giggling and hot cocoa waiting at the bottom of the hill.  Thursday night just like a big brother telling you there is no Santa, Nick the trainer ruined this image for me.

It was about ten minutes into our training session (or what I like to call “you have got to be frickin’ kidding me!”) when he introduced me to the fun sled’s evil twin…..the push me until you want to puke sled.

Rite Aid Gone Terribly Wrong

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Every once in a while you have a moment that freezes in time and you know you will remember forever.  I had one of those on Saturday night in a Rite Aid in Flint.

The evening began with me in a wonderful restaurant with the love of my life having a romantic dinner to celebrate his birthday. No kids, no pizza or chicken nuggets. Just the two of us alone and acting all grown up.
We ordered drinks and I ordered Salmon Oscar.  It was crab cakes, topped with salmon, lobster and a rich creamy sauce.  It melted in my mouth and I washed it down with a sweet riesling wine.  It was a wonderful romantic much needed dinner. To top off the evening we ordered a slice of turtle cheesecake and two spoons. Perfection!