Please pass me a Xanax and a glass of wine.
My mother is visiting and I have one nerve left. Apparently I have just been lounging around thinking I was a productive effective parent and person when that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Before she got here I had no idea that my dog was over weight and my kids were under fed. I didn’t know my house was cold or that my whites weren’t quite white enough.
I was also blissfully unaware that with all the “running around” I do that I should be a lot thinner than I am. However with all the running around I do she is still mystified as why I am so tired.
My refrigerator needed cleaning and the expensive container of grated cheese that I had been rationing on my salads needed to be thrown out because it smelled funny. My guess is it didn’t smell like Velveeta so she tossed it.
I have too many stairs, too much room and I don’t keep it clean enough. She is also not sure what my cleaning lady does even though she was here for three and a half hours cleaning while mother watched her like she was auditioning for the role of one of mean girls on The Help. If we had good silver she would be counting it.
She told me my coat didn’t look like something I would wear and that it looked like a boys coat.
When asked what I did different to my hair today I foolishly took it as a compliment until she followed it with “because it really looked good yesterday!”
Today I took her shopping and while I waited in the check out line at Kohl’s and I told her to go over and have a seat by the door to rest her back. Apparently someone that was as fat and poorly dressed as me walked out and she started yelling “Hey, Hey are you going to leave me here”. As she tried to get up out of the chair and chase that poor woman out to the parking lot I found myself flailing my arms and yelling “Mother, have I ever left you at a store?” She finally saw me and sat back down and said “Not yet.” like it was just a matter of time.
I could just see the people behind me searching for the number for Adult Protective Services. I just don’t know which one of us that are coming to help.