Distracted Driving Laws: I Hope Orange Really Is The New Black!

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There is a good chance I am going to jail.

Starting July 20, 2014 the Michigan State police are going to crack down on the offenders of the distracted driving law and step up their enforcement. Distractions are any thing that keeps the driver from focusing on the road and traffic.

You have got to be kidding me. I haven’t driven undistracted since the birth of my first child.

I have poured juice, scavenged for stuffed animals and changed DVDs while driving.  If being projectile vomited upon or having a 40-ounce Big Gulp poured down your back is considered distracted then bring on the orange jumpsuit.

Three Step Program

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Today I thought about sticking a fork in my eye for pain relief.

I assumed if I maimed myself that they would send me home from work. I really needed to be home under the covers with my emergency Xanax under my tongue. Worst case scenario they would place me on a three day psych hold and I would get three whole days of “meds and beds” as I like to call it.

I was not being selfish. My surrender was purely for the sake of all the other people in my path. The only answer was to  retreat to 800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and some pharmaceutical intervention. No deep breathing was going to calm the storm.

Teenage Dementia

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I am very afraid that my son has E.O.A.D. (early onset adolescent dementia) otherwise known as a P.I.M.A.( pain in my ass). I started to notice the symptoms as soon

Exercise Adultery

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After 35 years you think you know a person.

Recently someone close to me betrayed me and I couldn’t have been more shocked.  I thought we had the same value system.  I was sure that when everyone had forsaken me she would be the one sitting by my side. Now, I sit alone.