Baby Teeth and Moving Boxes

moving-boxesI have got to stop marrying successful men.  Want to know why? Because successful men get promoted and you find yourself cleaning out drawers and closets that you were sure you could leave for your kids to deal with after they pilfered through your good jewelry.

During my first marriage I moved seven times in 21 years.  At one point I considered just cutting holes in the moving boxes and making them into furniture to I could be ready for the next move. It would be bedroom dresser brought to you by Bekin Moving Company.

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Right Time, Right Place, Rite Aid

imodiumEvery once in a while you have a moment that freezes in time and you know you will remember it forever.  I had one of those on Saturday night at a Rite Aid pharmacy in Flint.

The evening began with me in a wonderful restaurant with the love of my life having a romantic dinner to celebrate his birthday. No kids, no pizza or chicken nuggets. There was just the two of us all alone with real silverware and candlelight.

We ordered drinks and I ordered Salmon Oscar.  It was crab cakes, topped with salmon, lobster and a rich creamy sauce.  It melted in my mouth and I washed it down with a sweet Riesling wine.  It was a wonderful romantic much needed dinner.

We topped off the evening with a rich luscious piece of turtle cheesecake.

On our way to see the musical Shrek I began to feel a rumbling in my stomach that told me my system wasn’t used to such fine dining.

McDonald’s hamburgers in a waxy wrapper are apparently no problem but serve me gourmet food on good china and it’s full system rejection. [Continue Reading]

YETI Addicted

yetiMy newest and most favorite addiction has to be my Yeti Rambler. When my  husband first purchased his I thought it was just another gadget for him to take golfing. He explained to me that it keeps liquid “as cold as scientifically possible”. (insert eyer roll here).

When he opened his cup after it had been sitting in a hot car for six hours I was impressed.  It was full of ice!

After the first night I was hooked! When I woke up there was ice and cold diet coke waiting on my nightstand. Now I’m like a baby with a pacifier. I can’t go anywhere without my Yeti.  As a Southern girl of course I had mine monogrammed.

Add a Yeti to your collection of must haves! I promise you won’t regret it.

Wine, Meds and Beds: Three Step Program

Today I thought about sticking a fork in my eye for pain relief.

I assumed if I maimed myself my boss would forced send me home from work. I really needed to be home under the covers with my emergency Xanax under my tongue. Worst case scenario they would place me on a three day psych hold and I would get three whole days of “meds and beds” as I like to call it.

I was not being selfish. My surrender was purely for the sake of all the other people in my path. The only answer was to  retreat to 1600 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and some pharmaceutical intervention. No deep breathing was going to calm this storm.

What causes these days to go so crazy? Is it hormonal? Is it karma? Is it the cycle of the moon? What ever it is I was white knuckling it from the time the alarm went off.  It’s a little unnerving to feel rage before you even open your eyes.

From the moment I was conscious I was perturbed. Have you ever had that feeling?

Every time someone smacks gum you dream of smothering them with a pillow.  Every inconvenience is amplified and every setback no matter how minor makes you feel like the world is crashing down around you. You are on a crazy spiral toward what you hope won’t end with your mug shot on CNN and all you can do is hold on until it comes to a screeching halt.

When these days happen I have my very own three-step program.   First step is my best friend Tara.  I call and explain to her how the world has gone mad and she listens.  Her silence while I rant and periodic validation eases my stress level. When I have reached the lower level of hysteria she explains to me how the whole world is crazy except for us.  I knew there was a reason I loved her. If you find someone that validates your crazy, hold on to them! [Continue Reading]

Regret And The Empty Nest

I’ve got a secret to tell you. You know what the empty nest really is? It’s a big old never-ending Monday morning quarterback session and it sucks

When my youngest left for college I wasn’t one of those weepy moms hanging out at the dorm dreading the goodbye. First of all it was hotter than the hinges of hell and anger is my only real emotion available in sweltering heat. There was a tense hug goodbye mostly due to the fact we both were stinky sweaty and he wasn’t appreciating my design on a dime lecture. By the end of the day I was on my way home to air conditioning and freedom.

How I would fill my time was not a worry I entertained. Hell, I had a list titled Freedom Sweet Freedom that was a mile long. I wasn’t short on plans for the future and the top three were writing, sex with the door open and leaving the liquor cabinet unlocked.

I envisioned myself in a very compromising position wearing nothing but pearls and balancing a martini.

But things didn’t quite work out as I had so eagerly anticipated.

It turns out without someone to parent I was stuck in a playback reel of my worst parenting moments. I ended up crying over scrapbooks while clutching my pearls and drinking straight from the bottle.

Would Michael go into the world scarred because I didn’t make him a hot breakfast every morning? I have Lisa Grodman to thank for that guilt. Damn breakfast cooking mother!

Did I talk to them enough about money and finances or would they end up homeless and bankrupt because I let them slide on that stupid summer math homework?

Would my children dread coming home for break and try to slip home with a cool kids family? Would they dread coming home because I was too nosey? Those are their words not mine; I like to think of myself as actively interested in the lives of my children.

Would they recall all those times that I hid in the van to have a moment’s peace? I vaguely remember threatening to sell our house and get a one room apartment if they didn’t get out from under my feet. I wish I had been more patient and realized one day they would be gone and I would be home alone drowning in vodka and nostalgia.

It just doesn’t seem fair that I have to spend my first days of quiet in 23 years filled with self doubt.

So yes, my nest is empty but my heart is full of regret.

I wish I had been more patient and tolerant.

I wish I had colored more and worried about my house less. I wish I had built more forts and played more Barbies.

I wish we had taken more adventures and road trips where the destination was unknown. I have Angela Youngblood to thank for that guilt. Damn spontaneous road tripping mother!

I wish I had taken time to talk to them, really talk to them more often about things that mattered and not just about the importance of a clean room. From the looks of their dorm rooms that time was clearly wasted.

I wish I had snuggled more and hugged them really hard every chance I got. The kind of hug where they knew I never wanted to let go.

But I did have to let go and there’s no getting back that time. My only redemption will be with the grandchildren I hope to have someday.

So I guess with all this regret and wishing swirling around in my brain it’s a good thing the liquor cabinet is all ready unlocked.

P.S. It’s really hard to relax and have great sex with the door open with all this time consuming regret. Go hug your kids!

 

 

 

 

Love Gorjana

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Birthday divas

Back row:Teresa, Daphne,Renee,Jan,Dana,Monica,Linda

Front row: Me, Lisa and Lisa

 

 

 

 

Loving my new Gorjana bracelet that I received from my fellow Divas for my 51st birthday.  Check them out! Layer the bracelets or wear them alone and you’ll be fabulous! Be sure to wear them on birthday braceletthe same arm as this beautiful purse.

If It’s Not One Thing, It’s My Mother

mother at chinese

If it’s not one thing, it’s my mother.

I think every daughter will agree, including my own. There’s just something about the mother daughter relationship that is filled with raw honesty, undying love and just a smidge of judgment.

From standing up straight to marriage advice mothers have all the answers. Along with their undying devotion comes their assumption that they know best when it comes to everything from your parenting skills to your love life. They are our staunchest critics as well as our biggest fans.

The bond between mother and daughter cannot be broken, but it can be tested. Oh boy, can it be tested.

My mother has the ability to make me want to hug her neck one minute and choke her out the next. She has perfected the art of the compliment/criticism one two punch. For example, she can’t believe as hard as I work that I’m not skinnier.

Try as I may to be a good daughter some days I’m just not up to par.

I am fifty years old and my whites have never been white enough, my dog is too fat and my kids are too skinny. One day my children are spoiled, the next day my children don’t get enough attention. If I lose weight I look haggard and she wants to know if I’m doing drugs but if I gain weight it’s because I don’t prepare enough home cooked meals.

As hard as I work at being the best daughter I can be I know I’m just one late birthday card away from being the black sheep of the family.

I call my mother every day. [Continue Reading]

Vote Like You Are A Fourth Grader

electionYou never forget when someone in your family makes their first run for public office.  You envision your future in the White House and start coming up with cool Secret Service code names.

I know this because when my daughter Ashley was in fourth grade she entered the world of politics. With much thought and discussion as a family she had decided to run against Christian for class student council representative.  It was a very big deal in our household.

She spent all week writing her speech and practicing it in front of her bathroom mirror.  I spent all week worrying about which outfit she should wear and whether or not we should cut her bangs.

We strategized around the dinner table every evening about how she could really help the students she would represent at Grantline Elementary. The issues of longer recess times and less homework seemed to be hot topics that any representative would need to address if he or she were to be a successful leader.

Between making campaign promises and deciding whether or not to cut her bangs, you could say we were immersed in the grade school political arena.

On Election Day I waited patiently in the car line until she jumped in.  I couldn’t tell by the look on her face if she had won or lost so I tried to bring the subject up gently. [Continue Reading]

50 And My Nest Is Empty

mom waving goodbyeA long, long time ago I envisioned what my life would be like when I got really old. You know, like 50.  I could see myself sitting on the porch, sipping iced tea and clutching my pearls while my children gathered around to hang on to every syllable of wisdom I imparted on them.

I would be a sassy old woman dressed impeccable in Alfred Dunner’s latest collection with my hair freshly coiffed from the beauty shop.  The wisdom I would dispense would be cherished and passed on for generations, just like the good silver.

Well, I’m 50 and my nest is empty, I don’t have a porch or pearls and my hair is a hot mess. Not one person I gave birth to is hanging around waiting for me to speak.

Those of you with young children please take note. When your kids are young adults the only time they seem to remember you are alive is when their car breaks down, their rent is due or their checking account is overdrawn. Otherwise, you could be missing for weeks and they wouldn’t notice. You could be living in the same house and unless a foul order that can’t be covered up by a candle scent is coming from your bedroom they could care less.

Let that debit card get declined and they are looking for you like you are buried with Jimmy Hoffa.

Suddenly your whereabouts will be of the utmost importance to them.  They will call in the police and the National Guard if Siri can find their number.

They will provide valuable information when the officers ask, “When was the last time you spoke with your mother?”

“I talked to her three weeks ago when my car broke down. Then today when I text to tell her I was overdrawn she didn’t answer my text”

The unanswered text will be of major concern to your child because normally you are at their beck and call. They envision you sitting home, hands perched and ready to respond as soon as their text comes in.

“It’s not like her to like go anywhere. She’s, like, usually just hanging around the house.”

Suddenly you will find yourself standing in your robe at the front door greeting a nice officer that has come to do a well check on an old lady. You won’t even have on your pearls.

Total time missing was 15 minutes while you were in the shower. Instead of being angry you will smile as you close the door. Somehow your twisted empty nester mind will see this as a sign. They care. They really do care.

A.D.H.D Attention Deficit Housecleaning Disorder

 

 

ADHD blog picture

I have diagnosed myself with ADHD:  Attention Deficit Housecleaning Disorder.  I have suffered from this affliction for years and it is beginning to take its toll.

Symptoms of this disease include but are not limited to cleaning the junk drawer when you have no clean underwear, organizing your jewelry when you should really be changing your sheets and leaving clothes wrinkling in the dryer while you organize your spices.

This disease is debilitating.  It causes feelings of worthlessness and despair. You begin shunning your friends because you realize that the Christmas decorations are still piled on your dining room table but your magazines are alphabetized.

The ADHD episodes go something like this.  You walk into your kitchen to a sink full of dirty dishes and cluttered counters.  Before you can empty the sink you must unload the dishwasher.  As you are unloading the dishwasher you notice that the big and the little spoons are mixed together.  You can’t ignore that right?  So you decide just to separate the spoons.  As you are separating the spoons you notice that the bottom of the cutlery organizer is dirty.  How this happens I don’t know since you only put clean cutlery in it but nonetheless you begin to take out all the silverware and wipe out the organizer.  [Continue Reading]