Things Every Freshman Parent Needs To Know

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highschool1Having your first-born become a high school freshman is a lot like giving birth.  It’s painful, messy and not at all like you expected. Worst of all there are no drugs this time around to take away the pain.

Be ready to be shocked when your child comes home after one day in high school and has suddenly become smarter than you. It’s nothing short of a miracle that so much knowledge can be attained in one six period day. Someone should really call the Pope!

Basement Boys

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  For the past four years I have been blessed with a group of boys inhabiting my home, particularly my basement. I affectionately call them “the basement boys”. I have watched

Distracted Driving Laws: I Hope Orange Really Is The New Black!

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There is a good chance I am going to jail.

Starting July 20, 2014 the Michigan State police are going to crack down on the offenders of the distracted driving law and step up their enforcement. Distractions are any thing that keeps the driver from focusing on the road and traffic.

You have got to be kidding me. I haven’t driven undistracted since the birth of my first child.

I have poured juice, scavenged for stuffed animals and changed DVDs while driving.  If being projectile vomited upon or having a 40-ounce Big Gulp poured down your back is considered distracted then bring on the orange jumpsuit.

Three Step Program

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Today I thought about sticking a fork in my eye for pain relief.

I assumed if I maimed myself that they would send me home from work. I really needed to be home under the covers with my emergency Xanax under my tongue. Worst case scenario they would place me on a three day psych hold and I would get three whole days of “meds and beds” as I like to call it.

I was not being selfish. My surrender was purely for the sake of all the other people in my path. The only answer was to  retreat to 800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and some pharmaceutical intervention. No deep breathing was going to calm the storm.

Teenage Dementia

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I am very afraid that my son has E.O.A.D. (early onset adolescent dementia) otherwise known as a P.I.M.A.( pain in my ass). I started to notice the symptoms as soon