I have diagnosed myself with ADHD: Attention Deficit Housecleaning Disorder. I have suffered from this affliction for years and it is beginning to take its toll.
Symptoms of this disease include but are not limited to cleaning the junk drawer when you have no clean underwear, organizing your jewelry when you should really be changing your sheets and leaving clothes wrinkling in the dryer while you organize your spices.
This disease is debilitating. It causes feelings of worthlessness and despair. You begin shunning your friends because you realize that the Christmas decorations are still piled on your dining room table but your magazines are alphabetized.
The ADHD episodes go something like this. You walk into your kitchen to a sink full of dirty dishes and cluttered counters. Before you can empty the sink you must unload the dishwasher. As you are unloading the dishwasher you notice that the big and the little spoons are mixed together. You can’t ignore that right? So you decide just to separate the spoons. As you are separating the spoons you notice that the bottom of the cutlery organizer is dirty. How this happens I don’t know since you only put clean cutlery in it but nonetheless you begin to take out all the silverware and wipe out the organizer.
I am ashamed to admit it but when I grocery shop now I make my selections based on their weight and bulkiness.
In the good ole days I could take a toddler, a large purse, a baby in a carrier and spend no less than 200.oo on groceries. With the strength of a young woman I would load it all in my van and unload and put it away when I returned home. Looking back I can’t believe I did all that and only drank wine on occasion in the evening. I should have been a day drinker!
These days I trudge down the aisles and seriously consider joining Meals-On-Wheels.
Everything that’s good for me requires cooking and everything that is heavy doesn’t seem worth the effort.
I’m so tired of grocery shopping. I have been grocery shopping for the past 30 years and the only feedback I have gotten is that we don’t have anything to eat in our house. (For the record grocery shopping is the only shopping that fatigues me. Somehow those Macy’s bags don’t seem so heavy.)
Gone are the days of buying beverages by the case to save money. I can only commit to a 12 pack of diet coke and that is if I am having a really good day and I am not having a hot flash. If I’m having a hot flash I am pulling through the drive thru for my diet coke and everyone is on their own for dinner.
Let the countdown begin! In 23 days I will turn 50! I am facing it with the same attitude I had when I thought there was a squirrel in the attic. I am going to turn on some music and pretend it isn’t happening.
Just kidding! I’m going to celebrate my birthday every day until March 25th and party like it’s 1999. I’m partying now like it’s 1999 because when it actually was 1999 I was young and skinny and didn’t know how good I had it so I wasted that year.
In honor of my impending membership into AARP thought I would offer up some advice for those of you that are still frolicking in your forties.
- Put a pair of tweezers in your car. Chin and lip hair love to shine in the bright light of day. You can spend 20 minutes looking in the bathroom mirror only to have a three-inch long hair appear the moment you pull out of the driveway. They are very tricky like that. It is a terrible thing to be getting a mustache at the same time as your teenage son. He will be much more excited about his than you are about yours.
- Forget tanning. You are in crisis mode where skin care is concerned. Welcome to big hats, cover-ups and sunscreen. Prepare to be seduced by celebrities over 40 that have a skin care line. All your extra money will go toward finding the perfect combination of products that will turn back the hands of time. The infomercials will convince you that a youthful glow is priceless. Turns out a youthful glow will cost you about $300.00 a month. Your eyelids will start moving with the eye shadow brush and tiny little brown “age” spots will appear out of nowhere. Your only hope is one day they all join together and you will finally have a tan.
- The reason that you will have knowledge of all the skin care lines is that you will begin to suffer from insomnia. Infomercials love to target us late at night when we are exhausted and without make-up. Just as your kids start to sleep in you will be unable to sleep at all. It is one of nature’s cruelest tricks. You will lie awake all night thinking about your chin hair and wrinkles, whether or not your kids will get into college, if global warming is real and if you will ever find the perfect purse.
- You will need to become very aware of where you are in a store and how far it is to the nearest restroom. Forget the fire exit. The bathroom knowledge will become much more important.
- Belly fat will increase every time you look at food. You are just one glance at a cupcake away from bariatric surgery. The Liz Lange maternity wear at Target will start to look appealing because of the wonderful waistbands.
- In an attempt to join your bulging stomach so it won’t be lonely, your breasts will begin to sag south. You can attempt to separate them with a belt but the belt won’t get much exposure.
- Reading glasses. You will need them. You will need to buy several pair of them. They will NEVER be where you are. They are like terrorists. They are always moving and difficult to capture. It is best to buy in bulk at the Dollar Store. I believe eyesight is the real reason you shouldn’t give birth after 40. If I had to read a infant Tylenol bottle in the middle of the night my baby would be in big trouble and most likely over medicated.
- Forget about it. That is exactly what you will do. You will forget everything from the names of your children at any given moment to the identity of people that are contacts in your cellphone. I have no idea who several of people listed in my contacts are or why I saved their number. I am too embarrassed to call them and say, “Excuse my peri- menopausal memory loss but who the heck are you?” Now when I put someone in my contacts I have to put a description like “ugly lady on the committee” or “he’s your doctor you idiot”. This memory loss is one of the main reasons you can’t find your reading glasses.
Romance and red wine can get you in big trouble.
On a recent weekend away my fiancée Brad and I were overcome with undying love and Sweet Bliss wine and the best idea we could come up with was to set a wedding date that was only 90 days away. It sounded so wonderful and easy as we snuggled on the couch and gazed into each other’s eyes. All our friends gathered together as we vowed to love each other for all time.
Crystal glasses clinking and sweet buttercream frosting covering a big chocolate cake swirled around in my head. How much fun would cake tasting be? I was almost giddy!